SD Zannon is BACK!!

[E-bo Obi]

Dear SD Zannon,

Long time reader, first time ever seeking guidance from you.

Oh and Mega Dittos.

First off, love the column.

Now to my questions.

1. Who do you think would win in a thumb wars battle between Lando Calrissian and Han Solo?

2. Why does the jizz wailer band at Mos Eisley cantina always play the same song?

3. How come I can't lay down in my bed?

4. Why can't I jump?

Oh and thanks in advance for your help on these.

[Dwilah]

If you see Zannon though, ask him for my testicles back please. He had me neutered like a dog and he keeps 'em in jar next to his bad.

Dear SD Zannon,

Oh my god...is THAT what those "rare insects" are? Gro-oosss!!! Even with him sleeping on the couch I'm not borrowing his room anymore.

On to my question. Could you tell me more about these women and boozing periods in his life? I need to know if he's been sleeping with ill women, and he keeps waking up before I get a chance to get samples of his blood.

Thanks,

Jealo--I mean Curious in the Casino

[Seret Sajet]

Dear SD Zannon,

Long time reader, first time ever seeking guidance from you.

Oh and Mega Dittos.

First off, love the column.

Now to my questions.

1. Who do you think would win in a thumb wars battle between Lando Calrissian and Han Solo?

2. Why does the jizz wailer band at Mos Eisley cantina always play the same song?

3. How come I can't lay down in my bed?

4. Why can't I jump?

Oh and thanks in advance for your help on these.

Dear Old Fan,

Glad you like the column, I aim to please. Now on to your questions.

1. Lando all the way. Have you seen that guy's hands? They're huge. Thats why invented the 40-ounce Jawa Beer bottles, because his hands were too big for the small bottles. Han may be a better Sabaac cheater....er... I mean player but Lando is the Thumb Wars champ. Well, next to Lord Vader. That guy wins just by looking at you.

2. I hate to break it to you but the Jizz Wailer band is animatronic. They built them a LONG time ago when Mos Eisley cantina was a kid's restaurant named "Figrin D'an's Pizza" They had great Corellian Pizza and fun games like Jawa Toss and Whack-A-Mynock but the place slowly went on the decline. Soon all the games and food left and the scum and villians entered. They just kept the robot band around because it was too expensive to remove it. Sadly the wookiee owner, Chalmun, is too cheap to remove the animatronic Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes or to hire a droid engineer to replace their song chips. So forever they'll stay until the batteries wear down.

3. Interesting question. The truth is you wouldn't want to. Take a look at the materials that go into bed. Hide and Metal. Thats it. I don't see padding on that list. Where is the peko peko feathers? The wooly hide may give them the outward appearence of comfort but to sleep on them would kill your back. Its best if you just sit on them for now.

4. Ah, good question. Blame the Empire for that one. They fear enemies with athletic prowess and because their machines and armor is so heavy they can't jump themselves. So what did they do? They used gravitational excelerators to increase the gravity on the planets using their satellites in space. Its sick when you think about it. They can't have it there way so they even the playing fields with machines. Typical.

The idea to use such a technology spawned when Imperial Grand Admiral Sheckula Nor saw a Mon Calimarian by the name of Mess'tar Dooo jump high in the air while wearing a kilt. He was so disgusted he had to act at once.

Hope that helps, my friend.

Best Wishes,
SD Zannon

[Sepiv]

Dear SD Zannon,

How am I able to move stuff around with my mind? But only things in my own home?

Confused...

[Lok'i Vidaar]

Hey SD Zannon Long time reader first time poster...

I was just walking around the cantina and noticed the following...

How come When you look at the very shiny stage, you see flourescent style light reflections i.e. http://www.themadmonkeys.com/temp/endless/flouro1.jpg

But when you look up at the actual lights they are more like large spotlights i.e. http://www.themadmonkeys.com/temp/endless/flouro2.jpg

What's up with that?

[Seret Sajet]

Dear SD Zannon,

Oh my god...is THAT what those "rare insects" are? Gro-oosss!!! Even with him sleeping on the couch I'm not borrowing his room anymore.

On to my question. Could you tell me more about these women and boozing periods in his life? I need to know if he's been sleeping with ill women, and he keeps waking up before I get a chance to get samples of his blood.

Thanks,

Jealo--I mean Curious in the Casino

Dear Curious,

There's not much to tell really. He'd walk into a bar, get drunk and attempt to pick up any woman who crossed his path. Here's a rundown on what would normally happen.

-He'd get slapped
-He'd get kicked then slapped
-He'd pass out drunk before uttering the first word of a lame pickup line
-He'd use his lame pickup line and get slapped
-He'd throw up on the girl and pass out
-He'd slap himself and then pass out
-He'd immediately grab the girl's chest and find out she's a Master Teras Kasi artist, the hard way
-He's compliment her dress, tell her sweet poetry, buy her a drink, take her back to his place, play soft music, light some candles, massage her neck..... and then get slapped, kicked, punched, choked and eventually wake up in a bantha's nest wondering where his pants are.

So thats pretty much it. Nothing to worry about. I wish you two the happiest of times.

Love Doctor #9,
SD Zannon

[Seret Sajet]

Dear SD Zannon,

How am I able to move stuff around with my mind? But only things in my own home?

Confused...

Dear Confused (and probably Dazed),

This ability of yours is not uncommon. When you enter you home you enter what most of us call a "TLC Field." The TLC Field is a invisible force, much like THE Force, that is formed by your own energy. In this field you have complete control over your surroundings. Move things left, right, and just recently with improvements in TLC Fields up and down. Since its your own energy field and its your home it won't work anywhere else (unless someone gives you permission in their home.)

Just a word of warning. Do not attempt to use this ability for "recreational purposes." Big Zannon tried it once with a date and got slapped, kicked and I don't have to tell you what else but it did involve a Bantha who complains he never calls.

Happy Decorating,
SD Zannon

[Seret Sajet]

Hey SD Zannon Long time reader first time poster...

I was just walking around the cantina and noticed the following...

How come When you look at the very shiny stage, you see flourescent style light reflections i.e. http://www.themadmonkeys.com/temp/endless/flouro1.jpg

But when you look up at the actual lights they are more like large spotlights i.e. http://www.themadmonkeys.com/temp/endless/flouro2.jpg

What's up with that?

Dear Cantina Patron,

Don't be fooled by those spotlights, my friend. Those are actually just props built from fiberplast and painted to look like spotlights. I won't tell you who but a certain green Twi'lek, owner of the cantina, was too damn cheap to pay for real spotlights so he his Cista craft some cheap fakes.

It would be a shame for any Imperial readers of my column to find out thats where he stashes his old spice stocks. Oops, did little SD Zannon make a boo boo?!

Loose Lips Sink Star Destroyers,
SD Zannon

[Nyase]

It would be a shame for any Imperial readers of my column to find out thats where he stashes his old spice stocks. Oops, did little SD Zannon make a boo boo?!

Loose Lips Sink Star Destroyers,
SD Zannon

Expect a visit from a detachment of troopers from your nearest Imperial Garrison. And remember, all those offering resistance will be executed on site.

[MrDooo]

SD Zannon, what do YOU usually do on a slow board day?

Yours,
Actually Working Droid Builder

[Seret Sajet]

SD Zannon, what do YOU usually do on a slow board day?

Yours,
Actually Working Droid Builder

Dear Actually Working,

I usually plan fiendish plots to destroy Big Zannon's lifestyle, write secret peoms to Ekade about how much I like her head tail things, figure out ways to send Zaph on wild-rebel goose chases, find every possible way to make X'an go off on a rant, convince Nyase that one of his stormtroopers is really an ughnaught in stilts, image edit pictures of Noval cuddling a puppy and post them on the holonet, tell Dwilah that Zannon is only around her for her buffs, convince Lok'i to solo a Krayt dragon, figure out ways to confuse Sepiv and make me look smart, clean the filter in Dooo's fish tank, and switch all of Seret's weapons with squirt gun replicas.

You know, light stuff. Usually takes me 3-4 minutes.

Much love
SD Zannon

[Zannon]

SD Zannon,

Where are all my pants you Son of a Bitch?!?!?!?!

Signed,

Swinging in the Breeze in Noct

[X'an Shin]

...find every possible way to make X'an go off on a rant...

YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!

[Ekade]

Dear Actually Working,

I usually plan fiendish plots to destroy Big Zannon's lifestyle, write secret peoms to Ekade about how much I like her head tail things, figure out ways to send Zaph on wild-rebel goose chases, find every possible way to make X'an go off on a rant, convince Nyase that one of his stormtroopers is really an ughnaught in stilts, image edit pictures of Noval cuddling a puppy and post them on the holonet, tell Dwilah that Zannon is only around her for her buffs, convince Lok'i to solo a Krayt dragon, figure out ways to confuse Sepiv and make me look smart, clean the filter in Dooo's fish tank, and switch all of Seret's weapons with squirt gun replicas.

You know, light stuff. Usually takes me 3-4 minutes.

Much love
SD Zannon

GAH!! That was YOU writing those poems?!?

BTW.. Novall used to have a pet jax. It was the cutest thing.... but then he let it die. Meanie.

[Seret Sajet]

SD Zannon,

Where are all my pants you Son of a Bitch?!?!?!?!

Signed,

Swinging in the Breeze in Noct

Dear Swingin',

Well I tried throwing them in the Saarlac but its spit them back out. Then I tried giving them to the tuskens but they said they preferred the smell of Banthas. Last but not least I gave them to Jabba as lining for the Rancor Pit. He just ordered a new Rancor.

Pants away!
SD Zannon