Split: Storm on the Horizon Critique Request

[Jerrel]

As my first story here what do you think.

http://www.swgtales.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=3730

[Dwilah]

Asking for feedback isn't against the rules at all, but please remember to keep OOC posts out of the IC forums, thanks!

[Dwilah]

I think you've got a nice story, but I don't believe it rains on Lok.

[Isleh]

I never really noticed it in game but it could be a seasonal and rare occurance like a rain storm in Death Valley.

Nice story too. I like the mental image I got with the neon sign. Really set the stage.

[Jerrel]

I was appologizin because I wasn't sure if an OOC question was aceptible for that forum or not. As for the rain I could be wrong, but I thought I read a load screen that said that the Kimo's had tough hide to protect them from the acid rains.

And thx for the input so far.

[Skorixor]

not bad, but:

-the spelling errors really bug me, and takes away from the story
-it just doesn't thunderstorm on lok...it just doesn't, plain and simple...it is an arid desert world..with MAYBE a light sprinkle...even if you want to compare it to death valley, the only reason they have those flowers is because their cumulative rain total was 6 inches this entire spring, and that wasn't all at once...so lok isn't rainy, or cold and wet...it's hot and dry
-if this is Nocturnus, thanks for "totally destroying" our cantina, without establishing why this happened, it seems weird and out of place...
-what is a newly "cressened mourge?" neither words are in the dictionary and I can't figure out what the words might be
-also this part makes no sense either,"states in a thunder storm of a whisper into the silence"
-I get the gargoyle reference, but it doesn't really fit in the SW universe..I even searched the Unoffical SW Encyclopedia and there wasn't a reference to go by http://theforce.net/swenc/advsearch.asp#

overal not bad, but it needs work...all I get from the story is before it happened, you kicked a bunch of ass and busted up a joint because of some slaves and some lost honor, and then he leaves...

[Jerrel]

not bad, but:

-the spelling errors really bug me, and takes away from the story
-it just doesn't thunderstorm on lok...it just doesn't, plain and simple...it is an arid desert world..with MAYBE a light sprinkle...even if you want to compare it to death valley, the only reason they have those flowers is because their cumulative rain total was 6 inches this entire spring, and that wasn't all at once...so lok isn't rainy, or cold and wet...it's hot and dry
-if this is Nocturnus, thanks for "totally destroying" our cantina, without establishing why this happened, it seems weird and out of place...
-what is a newly "cressened mourge?" neither words are in the dictionary and I can't figure out what the words might be
-also this part makes no sense either,"states in a thunder storm of a whisper into the silence"
-I get the gargoyle reference, but it doesn't really fit in the SW universe..I even searched the Unoffical SW Encyclopedia and there wasn't a reference to go by http://theforce.net/swenc/advsearch.asp#

overal not bad, but it needs work...all I get from the story is before it happened, you kicked a bunch of ass and busted up a joint because of some slaves and some lost honor, and then he leaves...

1)-Just dawned on me to copy and past the story to a mail and do a spell check so the spelling errors are corrected. Sorry bout that product of public schools in the LA Unified

2)-Living in LA and having visited many nearby deserts (including daeth vally) I can tell you that there are seasonal downpoors that last for a day at best in even the most airid (with the exeption of DV). Seeing the flora and fauna of Lok it seems more along the lines of a desert that gets these seasonal rains so I've always seen Lok like that. The storms that bring these seasonal rains originate close to the equator and bring with them alot of humindity, not as much as what the south gets but enought that you really notice if you grow up in a dessert. I did however remove wet from "cold and wet Lokian night" because it is a little confusing if you've never experience a seasonal rainstorm. As for the col deserts are very cold at night even DV can get low as the 40's at night, though I do believe it may have gotten colder then that but I'm not lookin at an almanak to be sure.

3)-Its not Noc. Its accually not a specified town yet. If some one wants to have this happen in their town that fine with me. The people killed will be considered NPC citizens like all those NPC's that in habit any NPC city cantina. I came up with this on the fly and is more of an exersise in my story telling than anything else and if someone is whilling to offer their cantina up this can tie into a story arh I'm commin up with.

4)-Spell checking fixed it.

5)-Yeah now that I re-read that it is confusing. You ever been in a completly quite room? A room so quite that your breathing sounds load just because its the only thing you CAN hear. Well when your in that kind of situation a whisper sounds as load as thunder just cause your ears automaticlly strain to hear any sound. It's kinda hard to explain the experience.

6)-Meh. I'd imagine some architec somewhare in the galaxy has created gargoyle statues to place on buildings. And gargoyle is a more dramatic word than statue.

As for the purpose, if I use this as a part in a story arch I'm workin on, this is just something to establish Jerrel as a villian nothing more really at this point. There may have been a reason why I did this or maybee I'm just upset that the slave auction got busted and I just craked under the pentup rage. Besides we could use a few more villians here anyway. Most of us like to play redeamible if not good characters so I figuered might as well start to set myself up as a unlikable chacter.

[Isleh]

6)-Meh. I'd imagine some architec somewhare in the galaxy has created gargoyle statues to place on buildings. And gargoyle is a more dramatic word than statue.

Gargoyle is as much adjective as it is a noun. Try to throw in flavor with place names and items but don't be afraid to use a word if it fits. There is plenty of words that we use that simply wouldn't be there when describing that universe in their terms. In fact all of them.

Get a thesaurus if you are doing creative writting or at least use

http://thesaurus.reference.com/

[Skorixor]

ok I reread it again, and this line makes no sense:

as the relentless rain pounds the unrelenting roof


also gargoyle is not an adjective:

gar·goyle Audio pronunciation of "gargoyle" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (gärgoil)
n.

1. A roof spout in the form of a grotesque or fantastic creature projecting from a gutter to carry rainwater clear of the wall.
2. A grotesque ornamental figure or projection.
3. A person of bizarre or grotesque appearance.


so I guess you could fit under #3, if ya want to be bizarre or grotesque

[Jerrel]

"as the relentless rain pounds the unrelenting roof"

The line was just repetitive. Changed to:
"as the merciless rain pounds the unyielding roof."

I'm using the gargoyle refrence as a simily (ie: the man walk like a chicken with his head cut off, the woman stood there like an un-moveable wall). As for definition I was using gargoyle as munber 2 on your list Skor.

[Isleh]

ok I reread it again, and this line makes no sense:

as the relentless rain pounds the unrelenting roof


also gargoyle is not an adjective:

gar·goyle Audio pronunciation of "gargoyle" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (gärgoil)
n.

1. A roof spout in the form of a grotesque or fantastic creature projecting from a gutter to carry rainwater clear of the wall.
2. A grotesque ornamental figure or projection.
3. A person of bizarre or grotesque appearance.


so I guess you could fit under #3, if ya want to be bizarre or grotesque

My bad.

"gargoyled" was the next entry and I missed the "d"

Jerrel, dispite the errors, I liked it. Don't go all George Lucas on your story.

[Jabe Adaks]

Strengths:

A) The length fo the post is ideal for this forum.

B) You adequately paint the picture of the scene.

Weaknesses

A) Spelling. There are still many spelling errors, even in the title.

B) Too many attempts at fanciful wording compounded together. Sometimes simple sentences are just as effective in immersing the reader.

Otherwise it seems you have the makings of a good story. I hope people are as insightful to me when I post some fiction again... I have a 22 post story I am going to be putting out over the course of a month - its almost done.

Jabe

[Skorixor]

The line was just repetitive. Changed to:
"as the merciless rain pounds the unyielding roof."

unyielding isnt necessary...the only way a roof yields is to a missile blast...a roof never yields to rain...it's a fact that doesn't need further adjectives to explain it...it makes the sentence sound awkward

[Isleh]

The line was just repetitive. Changed to:
"as the merciless rain pounds the unyielding roof."

unyielding isnt necessary...the only way a roof yields is to a missile blast...a roof never yields to rain...it's a fact that doesn't need further adjectives to explain it...it makes the sentence sound awkward

"...as the unrelenting rain pounds the austere roof."

"...as the unrelenting rain pounds the bleak roof."

dour, gloomy, dismal, sullen, saturnine.

If you imigine other buildings nearby, then you may want to change roof to plural "roofs".

"...as the unrelenting rain pounds the austere roofs."

[Iri]

Skorixor scares me.....