SWG Tales

Top 10 ways Paramount is messin' with 'Star Trek' to cash in on 'Star Wars' craze

10. "Obi-Wan Picard? Now that's a name I haven't heard in a long time..."

9. Spock is seduced by the "Dark Side of the Katra," and starts dressing all in black and throwing Plomeec soup against the wall with the power of his mind.

8. In a newly discovered episode, we learn that Kirk's mentor was a three-foot-tall green muppet that sounds curiously like Fozzie Bear.

7. To defeat the evil Klingon Empire in one last heated battle, the Federation gains a surprise ally in an army of tribbles armed with spears and rocks!

6. Tuvok starts hocking Colt 45 beer.

5. Data keeps losing his arms and legs in hilariously violent ways!

4. Paramount re-edits "Star Trek III" so that when the Bird of Prey de-cloaks, it fires first, misses completely and then gets shot.

3. The Borg capture the Voyager crew and stick Chakotay in a steel bikini.

2. ILM digitizes in Ricardo Montalban's manly chest from "Space Seed" onto the older Khan's fake rubber chest in "Star Trek II."

1. Data now has to stick a small phallic symbol into wall sockets to open doors.

From the pages of Wizard issue #70

Jerrel wrote:
7. To defeat the evil Klingon Empire in one last heated battle, the Federation gains a surprise ally in an army of tribbles armed with spears and rocks!

How is that at all unrealistic?

Discuss..

Jerrel wrote:
2. ILM digitizes in Ricardo Montalban's manly chest from "Space Seed" onto the older Khan's fake rubber chest in "Star Trek II."

Long held misconception. That was Montalban's real chest in Wrath of Khan. Dude is one naturally bulked out mofo. Still it didn't save him from getting whipped upon and won on by Kirk swinging the engineering widget...thing (lamest Kirk victory ever).

Funny stuff there regardless.

I wish they weren't even thinking of a new film right now. Just let Trek rest for a while. Freeze Berman and Braga in ice next to Gary Coleman and Vanilla Ice until they are needed again. And yes, for some reason no one ever gets that joke/reference.

Jabe

* raises hand * I got it =)

hears one of my own

Earth is threatened by a giant sphere that has the power to blow planets up. Paramount opts to drop calling it the Death Star because that would just be too obvious.