SWG Tales

Hey! Itsa Me! SD ZANNON!


You thought I was gone forever but not true, my friends. As it turned out the real big Zannon locked me in a cage when he got back from the planet Wisconsin in the Dells sector. I guess he doesn't want me trading on his name.

But I'm free now thanks to a jar of tatooine lubricating oil I borrowed from Zannon's nightstand and a shoe wedge. I'm back to answer all your questions you so desperatly need answered.

So.... fire away.

SD Zannon,

Is it possible for an evil bastard like myself to get a girlfriend? Do you think the whole "Sith" thing and the fact that I want to kill my family is a turn off?

Impy in Nocturnus

SD Zannon,

How come all the fine looking ladies on Gorath were afraid of me when I got back from Wisconsin? Why did it take so much damage control to get in good with the Hotties again? AND is it true you were the one who tipped off Zaph and his buddies about me stealing that shuttle?

I'm locking your ass up in an air tight container when I get my hands on you,

Big Mad Zannon

Coiyonite Adaks wrote:SD Zannon,

Is it possible for an evil bastard like myself to get a girlfriend? Do you think the whole "Sith" thing and the fact that I want to kill my family is a turn off?

Impy in Nocturnus

Dear Impy,

Its not really your "Sith" quality and thought your killer instinct doesn't help much its not that either. You have many good qualities. Your charm, your strength, your wit. All qualities women look for in a Imp. These things will help you find that right woman. Look at the inner sith and find the best qualities, then use them.

But why don't they like you now? Because they can't pronouce or even spell you name. Its too much of a bother for the women and they give up. Yeah I know its you, Coiyonite, and if you even think about creating a poll about how to pronounce that name of yours I'll personally see to it your guild hall becomes a gurk poo storage facility. Try a shorter name instead, like Coy. See, Coy is easy and much cuter. Women love cute names.

Best of Luck Coiyo..... Coy,
SD Zannon

Zannon wrote:SD Zannon,

How come all the fine looking ladies on Gorath were afraid of me when I got back from Wisconsin? Why did it take so much damage control to get in good with the Hotties again? AND is it true you were the one who tipped off Zaph and his buddies about me stealing that shuttle?

I'm locking your ass up in an air tight container when I get my hands on you,

Big Mad Zannon

Dear Big Zan,

Well let me field these questions one at a time.

Why do the ladies fear you? Because I showed them the tape of you on Dantooine when that mob of Jantas got a hold of you. Does the nickname "Teabag Zannon" ring a bell?

Why did it take so much damage control for them to like you again? They still don't like you. I showed them the "Jinda Cave Incident" and the "Droideka Deliverance" tapes as well.

Did I tip off Zaph about your shuttle theft? Who me? No, I would never do that. Not in a million years. I posted that story to the Imperial Holonet. I would never send it just Zaph, thats crazy. I sent it to the whole freakin' Empire and their mommas too!

As for locking me up, go ahead and try. I have 17 more "Best of Zannon" tapes just waiting to get distributed upon my recapture. I got in the container and you go in the crapper. Simple as that.

Happy and Free,
SD Zannon

Seret Sajet wrote:But why don't they like you now? Because they can't pronouce or even spell you name. Its too much of a bother for the women and they give up. Yeah I know its you, Coiyonite, and if you even think about creating a poll about how to pronounce that name of yours I'll personally see to it your guild hall becomes a gurk poo storage facility. Try a shorter name instead, like Coy. See, Coy is easy and much cuter. Women love cute names.

Truer words have never been spoken. Tell conversations are excruciating with names like Coyoioueooo.. I give up...

Don't make up names that are long, hard to pronounce, don't spell like they sound, or have unnecessary letters.

We have enough to worry about as it is.

Hrmpf!

Zannon wrote:AND is it true you were the one who tipped off Zaph and his buddies about me stealing that shuttle?

Damn I guess those were some good drugs... Don't you remember? You're the one that told me about the shuttle...

A doctor can be very persuesive in the right circumstances...

Only bause you're a druggie. Yeah, Af'ecks told me about your nasty habit. Get some help, man. Get in a program, get a dog, I don't care, but do SOMETHING.

<cough><cough>

Hello? Excuse me? Shuttles and drug problems aside..... THIS IS MY HOUSE! The betty ford clinic is down the street, this is Ask SD Zannon.

Back on track..... there must be more questions for the SDZ out there. Ask away, I look forward to helping YOU!

- SD Zannon

Dear SDZ!! *woohoo!* I'm so glad you came back! I have saved up 3 for you!

1) How are we able to walk through tables, chairs -- even each other?

2) How does everyone in the galaxy know how to do the Pilates Waltz and do it with such grace?

3) Why are Wookiees' roars silent?

Sepiv wrote:Dear SDZ!! *woohoo!* I'm so glad you came back! I have saved up 3 for you!

1) How are we able to walk through tables, chairs -- even each other?

2) How does everyone in the galaxy know how to do the Pilates Waltz and do it with such grace?

3) Why are Wookiees' roars silent?

Dear SDZ Fan,

Good to hear from you again. Its been too long. Let me field your questions one at a time.

1. The harsh reality of things is tables, chairs, and all of us do not exist. The essence of these things act upon a pulsing energy transmission sent through subspace at a rate of 10 billion micronites per second. The physical matter still exists, but on a seperate "free-form" dimension where no two bodies of matter touch one another. So while we walk around freely and interact with objects, liking sitting on chairs while walking through them, it is simply our own willpower making it so, sending vibrations through the slipstream and altering the matter on the other side.

But don't ask me why our asses constantly slip off of chairs. That one blows my #$%@ing mind away!

2. The Pilates Waltz only appears to be a dance, but its actually an acute muscle reaction to interstellar travel. You see when we travel by shuttle certain muscles expand and stretch in reaction to pressure changes and light-speed motion. These muscle reactions store themselves in our subconcious like notes on a music sheet. When we feel the need to dance it trips a switch in browns that plays back the muscle reactions without the confines of a shuttle seat and belts. Thus you get the Pilates Waltz from just about everyone everytime.

What I don't get is why male musicians think that "booty shake" is something I need to see while getting my mind replensihed. Enough to make me regurgitate my SD Lunch!

3. This one is simple enough. Wookies growl so silently as part of their dialect. The low growl is their general speach and conversation voice. The need to growl loudly is only used in hunting and mating. Sometimes those are done at the same time. Just take my advice, if you're in the woods and you hear a wookiee growl loudly, run like hell. Don't look back, just run like hell. When you think its safe, keep running.

Your faithful Piss Bucket Full of Knowledge,
SD Zannon.

YAAAY SD Zannon!! My answers are finally at hand!

...and I'm even more confused...

Dear chibi zannon,

Are you a failed imperial attempt at a genetic clone by Zaph in an attempt to clone zannon for imperial purposes? Are the the freak offspring of zannon and an ewok after a hard night drinking at the roba? Or are you mearly an odd unconcious force projection of zannon as a response to some events of his childhood that shall remaind undiscussed?

Nyase wrote:Dear chibi zannon,

Are you a failed imperial attempt at a genetic clone by Zaph in an attempt to clone zannon for imperial purposes? Are the the freak offspring of zannon and an ewok after a hard night drinking at the roba? Or are you mearly an odd unconcious force projection of zannon as a response to some events of his childhood that shall remaind undiscussed?

Dear Queries with no Name,

All good theories, but unfortunately all wrong. My origin has been a bit of mystery to all but I think its now time I reveal it.

In truth I hail from the planet Chibi, which you oddly enough called me so it must of crossed your mind. On Chibi the organisms are pure thought. When a Chibi-Chibi (yes thats what we're called) reaches a certain age we commit to the ritual of Rammalamma where we leave the planet and take on physical form in order to see which lifestyle we want to commit to.

So my mind left Chibi, leaving behind my family and friends, and came to Naboo. I had to find a model from my physical shape, someone whom I admired enough to be like them. Thats when I met Zannon. Through the ether I watched him build houses, help others and build the large corporation Zancorp. He was impressive. I had chosen my form. So all I had to do was scan a piece of his mind that I thought would exemplify him to gain my physical body. I chose his self-control by mistake. It made me 3 feet tall!

Boy was I wrong about THAT guy. The drinking, the booze, the women! It never stops. Even I gained some of his urges and because of it I couldn't help but drool around bothans. Then the bastard learned of my existance and locked me up to use as sort some attraction. I was locked up so long it prevented me from going back to thought form so now I'm stuck as SD Zannon.

But thats ok. I'm free now. I have a life informative holonet columnist and I love my job. As soon as I finish that "Zannon Bitchslap Ray" my life will be complete.

If you see Zannon though, ask him for my testicles back please. He had me neutered like a dog and he keeps 'em in jar next to his bad. Man I hate that guy.

Woefully remembering,
SD Zannon