Fun with Telemarketers

[Seret Sajet]

Well, my third choice... Nigel Fluffybottom

and second.... Keer Tregga (I call dibs!)

But my A#1 choice of name changes would simply be...

Mr. Imanasshole

You might say "Why would he want a name so self-defeating?"

For one simple reason...

... So that everytime a damn telemarketer calls my house he has to say "Hello, may I speak with Mr. or Mrs..... Imanasshole?" and I can reply "YES YOU ARE!" and hang up with a big smile on my face.

Wey was telling me about what one of her friends did to a telemarketer. He stated talking like a small child when they started the sell and told them something like:

"Mommy and Daddy can't come to the phone right now... they're sleeping... they got into a big fight... and there was two loud bangs.... and the went to sleep.... I'm really hungry... they've been sleeping for a couple of days now.... I had to eat the cat food... I don't like cat food..."

I was thinking, "that is so wrong" and I was also thinking "DAMN, I wish I thought of that!"

I hate telemarketers with an unholy passion. In fact I should change my name choice to "Killall Telemarketers."

My father used to have fun them by doing things like making them yell into the phone ("What, I'm sorry my phone is bad could speak up? I'm sorry you'll have to speak up more") and letting an telemarketer go through his intire speil about aluminum siding all the while showing interest and then at the very end of the conversation he would ask "so how do you attach that to brick?"

So I adapted my own fun with Telemarketers. Here are my top three.

3. My last name is someone difficult for people to pronounce. Only 5% of all telemarketers ge it right. So for those that screw it up I make them try over and over and over again until they get it right without correcting them. ("No thats not how you say it, try again. Nope, try again.")

2. Shortly after they get into their pitch I have a coughing fit. I make it sound so bad that the telemarketer may assume I'm coughing up a lung. Then I simply hang up and ponder what thoughts are going through their head.

1. My all time favorite, though I only did it once and I was taking cough medicine at the time (probably because of #2) was my "Bad Father" routine. This was before I actually had a kid, mind you. I simply took great interest in what the telemarketer had to say, all the while sounding pleasent and polite. Then a little ways into the conversation I would say "Pardon me one second" and proceed to yell at some imaginary children. I'd scream "If you little bastards don't cut that out I'm getting the broom!" and "I swear to god I'm going to crack your skulls open and laugh while I do it!" Needless to say I actually felt a little guilty after this one. Not much mind you, just a little.

Admin note: Split from the name thread myself. If you have your own telemarketer story please post them here.

[Jaminos]

Well I am very evil myself. I have made my own little set up on my computer and it will play the sounds of gun shots and people yelling then I come back on and tell them I had to take care of someone. Or some times I like to give it to my wife and she will tell them off three weeks from sunday.

One thing I also like to do is get on the arnold Schwartanager sound board and use some of his taunts. I can tell you one thing. Those "ARC" people stopped calling me after my wife told them what to do with their ARC and how to use it.

[X'an Shin]

I don't have much in the way of creativity when it comes to telemarketers. Typically I just start ranting and raving (I know, who the hell would have guessed?) and come up with some fairly creative new swear words.

One of the things I do lately is try and get the telemarketer off script. If you own a house, you will get about 8 calls a night about these great re-financing deals. The trick is, that telemarketers can't SELL you anything if you're on the do-not-call list. So they try and get you interested in this refinancing, and then will no doubt give you a number to call them back, so that they're not actually selling you anything.

So I basically keep re-asking and re-wording what they're saying untill it becomes blatantly obvious that they ARE in fact attempting to sell me a new mortgage over the phone (as they DO make money off of the new mortgage, or they wouldn't be doing this in the first place), and then listen to them backpedal, and attempt to blurt out some excuse or other. Eventually I get bored and hang up.

The easy out we have is that they screw up our last name (which is about as easy to screw up if someone's last name was "Pitcher", don't ask me how they get it wrong every time), and we simply say "We're sorry, no one lives here by that name."

That said, I have taken it to a new level. I now screw with Retail employees.

Stop me if I've told this one already.

I was at Graham Cracker Comics, and I really hate talking to comic nerds when I'm buying my comics. Before anyone yells at me about being a comic nerd myslef, I freely admit to it, and know that nobody wants to hear MY opinions about comics, unless we're friends, so there's really no point in it.

I was trying to buy the new Wachowski Bros. books (which are actually really good, at least Dr. Frankenstein), and grabbed Dr. Frank and Shaolin Cowboy. I wanted to pick up the Matrix Comics II, but there was only one story in it I hadn't read yet (and wanted to), as the vast majority of the comics/stories were printed on the www.whatisthematrix.com website SIX YEARS AGO. So I pass, and take my purchases to the counter.

Counter-boy starts trying to chat up more sales, asking if I'd seen the Matrix Comics. Yes, I tell him, I've already seen them. They were all published on the website already. He was really getting on my nerves, pretending to be my best friend and all. I just hate non-genuine "friendliness" from retail people.

"But, but," he stammered, looking for something funny to say while he handed me back my change for my purchases, "if you had the comics in hand, you wouldn't uh, you wouldn't get cancer from looking at the screen all day!"

Now, I had already started to formulate the reply in my head, of "Too late, I've already read them all. No point in buying something I've already read for free," but something happened in my head, and decided to truncate it to:

"Too late."

And I just turned and walked out, leaving him with the impression that I already had cancer, and was now offended with him making jokes about it.

I laughed all the way home in my car. And yes, I already know I'm going to hell, thanks.

[Keer]

I bought a house once a few years back which landed my name on a public city register that every damn telemarketer and local window, landscaper, carpet cleaner could see. In one off the cuff moment, while I'm beat down trying to clean and paint my new place I'm getting all these calls.

The lady wants to sell me new windows. I told her that if she or someone from the company came out in a dancing bear costume that I'd listen to their sales pitch. That if they *really* wanted my business they would come and do it. "I'm really tired right now, ma'am and could use some entertainment", I said. I *was* dead serious and just tired of all the calls. I never got another call from them again.

I haven't used the dancing bear request since. Nowadays I usually just cut them right off and hang up. But, for some fun I might warm it up again on football Sundays this season when I'm in the mood. My own little halftime show :lol:

[Jabe Adaks]

I pretty much don't answer the phone if I don't recognize the number. If it someone I know on the answering machine after that I will pick up. I don't get many telemarkerter calls though, mainly because the do not call list went into law shortly after we moved in and I got on that right away.

But on the few occasions I do get a telemarketing call that I mistakenly pick up, I just hang up. I'm not very creative.

Jabe

[Krusshyk]

Speaking of telemarketing calls and the do not call list, do keep track of how long you have been on the list and if you recieve calls from one company more than a month after you have signed up for the list.

Marketing companies are now required to scrub their call lists against the master "do not call list" compiled by the FCC ( I believe it's them...or whoever it is) every month now. IF they do call you after you have been on the list for a month, they owe you like, crap I can't remember...like a 150 bucks? I forget what the total is, but there is a monetary penalty to them that can be awarded to you if they do it.

Check the FCC's website and their links to the national Do not call registry.

Oh, and don't worry, telemarkers will NOT be calling your cell phones, even if you have heard hype that they will.

[Ekade]

I treat my phone messages like email. I let the machine get everything and check it when it is convenient for me to do so. There are times where I keep my eye on the caller ID when expecting a call.

[Dwilah]

Just a note about the Do Not Call list, companies can still telemarket you legally if you've done business with them in the last eighteen months.

[X'an Shin]

Speaking of telemarketing calls and the do not call list, do keep track of how long you have been on the list and if you recieve calls from one company more than a month after you have signed up for the list.

Marketing companies are now required to scrub their call lists against the master "do not call list" compiled by the FCC ( I believe it's them...or whoever it is) every month now. IF they do call you after you have been on the list for a month, they owe you like, crap I can't remember...like a 150 bucks? I forget what the total is, but there is a monetary penalty to them that can be awarded to you if they do it.

Check the FCC's website and their links to the national Do not call registry.

Oh, and don't worry, telemarkers will NOT be calling your cell phones, even if you have heard hype that they will.

I'll double-check it, but even after we put our names on it, we still get calls. A LOT of calls.

I think it has everything to do with the refinancers. I think that if they can claim they're not actively selling you something (you call them back if you're interested), they can get around the list.

I'll try and do a bit of reading on the FCC's site and see what they say.

[Illbleed]

It is unfortunate that so many people show disrespect to these people. I'm sorry if this upsets anyone, it's just how I feel. I don't in anyway condone their calls. As a matter of fact, I find their scripts to be annoying. However, these people are doing their job as sad is that job may be. Those people more than likely do not have the luxury of college educations or liberal arts training. It expends much less energy than coming up with some elaborate scheme to simply:

A. Let the machine pick it up.
B. Say "No thank you, I'm not interested"
C. Or just hang up.

If you have purchased anything from these folks or forgot to unmark the "send me promotions" box on your credit cards you're going to get this crap.

ILL

[Krusshyk]

While you are nosing around the FCC stuff, X'an, you might want to find the link that talks about all of the things telemarketers are required to tell you, should you ask.

I can't remember it all, but it is pretty worthwhile info if you want to bug a telemarketer.

[Kabarra]

I generally just ask them politely to never ever f****ng call me again and to pretty please with sugar on top to remove me from your Goatf****ng list. Thanks and enjoy the rest of your day you prattling bowl of monkeyf**k.
I know they have a job to do and all, it's just one of the most hated by the general population.
Moaning softly with heavy breathing, while telling them you are right in the middle of someone er something, is a pretty good way to deal with them also.
I let one of them talk to my washing machine for about 20 minutes while it was running...oddly enough, he hung up
Window salesmen get the 'sorry, I don't have windows' answer.
Constant source of entertainment...I might take myself off the do not call list.....

[X'an Shin]

I've heard the "feel sorry for them" routine, and I only have this to say about it:

A). No one's holding a gun to their head to work that job, and
B). You don't see me coming to their house and making noise while THEY're eating dinner, do you?

The last ounce of "pity" I had for these idiots was when I told the lady that 9pm was entirely too late to call, and she yelled back at me "I'm allowed to call at this hour!"

At my house. She was trying to tell ME that she was allowed to ring the phone at MY house, when I just said it wasn't allowed.

I have no sympathy for people who choose to be that retarded.