Split: Storm on the Horizon Critique Request

[Jerrel]

The line was just repetitive. Changed to:
"as the merciless rain pounds the unyielding roof."

unyielding isnt necessary...the only way a roof yields is to a missile blast...a roof never yields to rain...it's a fact that doesn't need further adjectives to explain it...it makes the sentence sound awkward

LOL man you've never been in a LA Unified school building have you.

Any way I changed it to shambled to give a better idea of the somewhat rundowned Outer Rim bar.

[Skorixor]

Skorixor scares me.....

is it my handsome good looks, or my good grasp of the english language?

and believe me I'm going EASY on ole jerrel...you should hear what my wife, the college english professor, is saying...

[Isleh]

Skorixor scares me.....

is it my handsome good looks, or my good grasp of the english language?

and believe me I'm going EASY on ole jerrel...you should hear what my wife, the college english professor, is saying...

Hey, anytime she wants to spend the time and critique my writting, she is welcome to it.

Just be kind and send it in a PM.

[Rebecca]

Skorixor scares me.....

Agreed.

[Ekade]

Skorixor scares me.....

Agreed.

I would comment, but I am afraid to.